Dear Me

On April 10, 2016May 13, 2016 By laineeehIn Elaine HLeave a comment

Dear Past Elaine,

You’re going to grow up and live a very trying life. Things are going to get hard and you’re going to want to give up every single day.

But don’t.

Once you overcome all those tough obstacles in your life, you’ll realize how all those experiences were worth it to become the person you are today.

I know it’s getting harder and harder to breathe.

I know you’re struggling on holding onto that last shred of happiness.

I know you’ve been crying in your sleep for the past few months.

And I know all these things has happened to you because I went through it and I’m alive.

Remember that time you lost all your friend that one year? You through something was wrong with your because never had you been so lonely?

Spoiler alert : You’re going to be blessed with knowing these certain people in your life later on.

Dear Future Elaine,

Never give up.

Know your goal and go for it, don’t procrastinate and “fuck it” through life because that’s just not how it goes.

Sure, take some risks every now and then with decisions but know a plan.

You’ve only got this one life to live, and you spent a good amount of it crying away.

You have this bright future ahead of you and I want to see you succeed. I want to see you smiling so hard your cheekbones start to feel intense pain.

You’ve gone through so much pain, your life is bound to bring you some content soon.

Please, love yourself. Learn to do so. Compliment yourself everyday. Smile at your complexion. And maybe one day, someone will love you the way you’ll soon love yourself.

Dear Present Elaine,

I am so proud of you.

You’ve grown up to be someone I’d never thought you’d grow up to be. In fact, I even feared not too long ago that I wouldn’t be able to see you grow up. I’m so glad you didn’t give up.

Keep doing you, because being you is the best thing you can do.

Love,

Elaine H.

Letting It..Move On

On March 21, 2016March 25, 2016 By e2d2publishingcoIn Elaine HLeave a comment

I remember growing up as a kid and arguing with my uncle about having “my turn” with a specific toy-the red Power Ranger action figure to be exact.

“It’s my turn to play!”

“No! It’s mine!”

In the end, he always got the win because I was the younger one and needed to be “respectful.” To this day, I’m still bummed on not being able to play with that red Power Ranger.

However, that day did teach me a valuable lesson on letting go. How although at that point in time, there was something I really wanted, I had to let it go in order to make someone else happy.

But then I grew up.

At this age in my life, being 17 and all, I learned that there are something I just can’t let go of.

I learned that letting something go isn’t always tangible.

And I also learned that letting things go, won’t always make me happy.

Take feelings as an example.

A feeling for a friend, family, or even a (ex)-lover.

I had two best friends during my freshmen year in high school. We were the tightest of friends-people even considered us sisters whenever we hung out together. But like they all say, “good things must come to an end” and that’s what happened. My two best friends who promised never to leave me-left.

I had no idea how to cope with this idea of letting them leave my life as if the past years with them had meant nothing.

But that’s where I went wrong.

Yes, letting go of my two best friends at the time was probably the most heart-breaking thing I had felt at the time, but I also remembered that even though I’m letting the two people I loved the most go-doesn’t mean I have to let go of the memory.

All the photos we took, all the volunteer work we did together, the pranks, the retreats, basically all the hours I spent with them didn’t leave with them.

They will forever be engraved inside my head, replaying like a little movie scene until the day I die. And every now and then, I like to pause the scene to make room for the other memories I have with my new friends. But the memory of the Amy and Tina will never be forgotten.

That’s when I learned, letting go isn’t always the best thing but it’s not the worst thing ever either-because sometimes you’re going to have to let go…..

to move on.

Your Life, Your Choice

On March 6, 2016March 6, 2016 By e2d2publishingcoIn Elaine H, UncategorizedLeave a comment

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost

******

It’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Sometimes I think it’s time to give up,

To forget.

But I’m afraid of the unexpected.

What’s going to happen when I’m gone?

Will everyone be happier? Will anyone miss me?

Will I just be a memory that rests on the side of someone’s brain,

Only to be reactivated whenever someone says depressed?

Is that what I am?

Depressed.

It’s funny how one word could describe someone’s life.

Is that all I mean? Just one word pulled out from the dictionary.

How do you continue from here,

knowing that you hate every single part of you?

Where you just can’t look at yourself anymore because you are just ashamed

Ashamed of whom you are on the outside and the inside.

Who am I?

I’m depression.

Sometimes I look at the mirror and tell myself it gets better.

Then this whisper in my head laughs and stares back,

“When will you ever get better?”

As I continue to state at myself,

the whisper turns into a shout.

“You’re ugly.”

“You’re worthless”

“You’re never going to be enough”

And before you know it.

No longer a whisper, no longer a voiceless shout.

That voice shoting at you is your own voice,

screaming for help.

But then I breathe, I breathe and remember.

I woke up today-getting another chance to right my wrongs.

Another chance to get better.

Another chance to live.

It is your life and it is your choice. Whether you want to live in reckless abandon, or if you want to live in reckless wonder.

Life’s no cinematic movie.

Life gets difficult, life gets beautiful.

Live the life you want to live.

Make it worth rewatching.

No pause, no forward, no rewind.

Just play.

***********

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

Not a Bad Day

On February 22, 2016 By e2d2publishingcoIn Elaine HLeave a comment

I like to live my life on a day to day bases.

I don’t like to plan ahead-not five years from now, a month, or even a minute from now. I don’t like planning, period. But I mean there are some days where I just have to plan things.

Everyday is a new surprise.

A day full of new problems, new encounters, and joy.

Though on some occasions there will be days that will turn out for the worse no matter how much planning/or no planning has gone into your day.

Those days are the best days.

Because in my honest opinion-regardless of how bad it gets, it’s never really that bad of a day.

From bad days you learn so much. You learn how to deal with the cards life has given you. You learn how to grow from the experiences that you encounter, possibly learning from the mistake and fixing your mistakes in the future. You learn how to make yourself happy in difficult situations.

Bad days are always called out on being, well bad, but also something no one looks forward to. I mean no one wants those kinds of days do they?

But instead of dreading for that bad day to come, be prepared. Because whether any of us like it or not, the day is bound to come.

As I like to say, “life regresses to the mean.”

Here are some possible tips on handling a bad day :

Don’t isolate yourself. Isolating yourself is one of the worst things you can do in situations like this. Surround yourself with loved ones.
Cry. A bit ironic how I say a bad day isn’t exactly a bad day but crying is okay, right? What I mean is crying relieves a lot of regressed stress. If you’re able to cry, do it. You’ll feel tons better afterwards, I promise.
Distract yourself. This goes along with number one. Find something to distract yourself from the horrible situations until you have a level-headed mind to think through the situation.
Sleep. This will give you a new mindset on everything. It will help clear your head and even make better and wiser decisions after you wake up.
“Chin Up Buttercup” -theloveshop.etsy

With that, I leave with a goodbye and that I hope that whoever you are reading this that you have the worst day ever.

……

I’m kidding, I hope you have a wonderful day.

-Elaine H.

Take A Breather

On February 7, 2016February 7, 2016 By e2d2publishingcoIn Elaine H, UncategorizedLeave a comment

breath·er

/ˈbrēT͟Hər/

noun

1. a brief pause for rest.

As the days go by, I find it harder and harder for me to catch my breath.

I go through life in a constant routine of waking up, going to school, work, then getting a few hours of sleep after doing homework. Where do I find the time to breathe?

I don’t.

Recently, I have found out how necessary it is to take a breather every once in awhile-regardless of how busy life can get.

I had just got home from a long day of school, having only three hours of sleep prior on that night, then went straight to work for an eight hour shift. Because of my exhaustion from the first half of my day, the second half of my day at work went horribly.

My body was slowly failing at keeping itself awake, as my eyelids would droop every few minutes, my body feeling like it weighed a ton of bricks. As customers after customers came by for help, I kept a giant smile on my face to stray them away from the fact that I felt like I was dying.

Finally receiving my 30 minute break for the day, instead of actually taking my break to do a breather, I ended up busying myself with my phone. Doing last minute assignments, texting friends, even calling my mom to check up on her.

Even on my break, I didn’t take a break.

It wasn’t until after I got off at work around 12 AM was when I realized how terrible my exhaustion had become.

My hands started getting sweaty. My throat was getting closed up. My face went pale as my entire body burned up. Teared welled up my eyes. My breathing shortened.

I was having an anxiety attack.

From all the school work and hours I’ve been taking on with work, I’ve made no time to take care of myself. All I’ve been doing is worrying and stressing about my future.

Whether the grades I’m getting would suffice for my future dream college.

Whether the hours I’m working are going to pay off for my car.

Whether or not the life I’m living now will benefit me at all later.

The only way to calm myself from anxiety attacks is to focus on my breathing. Instead of it being quick and raspy, I had to transition it to a slow four second inhale and exhale process.

….breathe in

breath out….

repeat.

And that’s when I realized.

With my life being so busy recently, I never had the chance to take a break and breathe. I don’t make time in the moment to make sure if I’m eating right. I don’t make the time to make sure that I am genuinely feeling okay.

I don’t make the time to realize that my future isn’t only 20 years from now, or 10 years from now, but a breath from now.

Each breath I’m taking is a second I won’t be getting back from life. It’s a second I’m losing from my present life to worry about my future life. And although working towards my future isn’t a bad thing, it doesn’t mean it’s always the right thing in the moment.

For each moment I spend worrying about my future, I forget how important the present is.

So forget for a moment about that huge project due tomorrow. Forget for a moment about those long hours of work you’re going to have to go to in a few minutes. Forget for a moment how stressed out you are from whatever is going on in your life.

And take a breather.