In kindergarten I knew I was a girly girl. I loved anything that was pink, my favorite Disney Princess was Cinderella, and I loved to play with my large collection of Barbies. I knew who I was and I wasn’t afraid to express myself, but that was until someone pointed out how girly I was when I was in third grade. I became self conscious.
In the middle of third grade, my personality completely changed. I felt like my love for anything pink, pretty, and frilly was becoming too overbearing and too obvious and I wanted to change that. I went on the internet for the first time, and there I discovered what was called “scene” or “emo.” The neon colors on big hair and black clothes attracted me, and to this day I still don’t know why. I was too scared to change how I looked, so I just looked up videos and pictures on the emo culture, in deep infatuation.
Eventually in fourth and fifth grade, I finally had the guts to wear what I’ve always been wanting to wear. I cut my hair, I started wearing more black, including black jackets, pants, sweatbands, gloves, and I bought a variety of studded belts in numerous colors. I discovered a multitude of rock bands that I listened to daily and worshiped. Just when I started to believe that this was who I really was, I realized that I missed the pink I used to surround myself with. I missed wearing dresses and playing house with my friends and playing with Barbies. I felt like I had become too extreme of something again, too obvious. Although I really did enjoy emo culture, I knew that it wasn’t who I was.
I struggled to find myself again.
Going into sixth grade, I went through an incredibly tough time with my family. The family was on the brink of separation, and I was on the brink of depression. My low self esteem, family stress, added with self identity issues really hit me hard.
I’ve always been into fashion and expressing myself with the clothes I wear, but during this time I completely gave up. I gave up on school, myself, and trying to look for the positives. It got better by a little in the next few years, but I was still asking myself, “Who am I?”
When I entered high school, everything turned itself around. I met friends who had the same interests and who loved to make me laugh, and who I loved to make them laugh. I joined a club that really helped me discover what I loved doing and what I was really passionate about. And most importantly, I gave my heart to someone special, who always keeps me grounded, who reminds me of who I really am, and who changed me for the better. All of these factors contributed to molding me and helping me discover my true self and what I wanted in life.
Finding yourself can be hard. Unimaginably hard.
We spend the first 10 years of our life knowing who we are. You know what attracts you, what qualities you have, and you’re not afraid to speak your mind and be yourself. But eventually we become lost again. You start to develop a sense of what you can or can’t do, and you begin to restrict yourself from doing things you used to as a carefree child. We are then introduced to new personalities, new interests, and new people. Because we’re exposed to so many different people, we become overwhelmed with what we want and who we want to be.
We’re constantly told to be ourselves, but it’s nearly impossible if we don’t even know who we are.
But eventually through your experiences and the people that come and go in your life, you develop a sense of discovering yourself. Life will shape and mold you into your true self, and the journey through finding self identity will finally pay off.
I discovered that I am not a girly girl, I am not an emo, and I am not a nobody.
I am Elaine.
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